Rachel Kristen
live, love, laugh. Just the way I like it.
3 months is all it takes.
This is going to be another emotional post so you can scroll down to read
happier stuffs.
Today I learned a new lesson, about how
quickly one person can change. As some of you may know, I just ended a long
term relationship and although it was mutual somehow, the person I loved has
gone from being one person to another. Where are you dear friend? From a down
to earth guy who is not afraid to show his feelings and be judged. He turned
into someone colder, someone who drinks and smokes. Engaging into
complicated relationships, non committed as he claims. What is this? I could
have done the same, I could have found someone else but I didn't. Because I
feel. Because I was too afraid to hurt his feelings. Because I knew deep down,
we both cared. Our friends and loved ones too because the disappointment
doesn't stop between two parties, it goes beyond that; his mother, my parents,
ourselves, our friends, and people who care.
I had only eyes for him and I had hoped he
felt the same way. He would tell me I was beautiful even when I look crappy
just out of bed in the wee hours. And I could feel it was genuine. Or maybe it
was just us blinded by our feelings because fast forward three months he could
easily use the same words starting all over with someone new. Someone,
beautiful.
When I broke up with a guy I dated for 6
months, who is still currently our mutual friend, I thought it was childish
that he had erased me and cut me off. I felt that it wasn't necessary at that
point of time. But today I feel exactly how he felt. I know now, that it must
have been tough for him because everything he sees, he reads, he digests about
me, had affected his feelings. That he couldn't function and that my little
words, meaningless or not meant everything to him. His fragile heart. But
eventually, I saw the point in cutting me off because it was the only way to
help him cope with the hurt. It is especially true when people say ignorance is
bliss. Sometimes it is better not to know then knowing and getting hurt, just
knowing. The heart may not be our largest organ but it is strong, something
small and tiny could hurt this bad, and sad to say, nothing can numb this pain.
I thought I could handle the words that are to come, but sadly as strong as
this Leo might be, when it hits, it hits.
It is going to be a big step because as
regretful as I would feel, I think it is something I must do, to move on. To
throw aside this feeling I feel, because I still care. I do, very much. My
friends asked, how come I could overcome a 5 years relationship (previously)
with so much ease, while this time around it seems harder. Someone who has been
in love and has met their soul mate and best friend would understand
how I feel. If it is one thing I should be thankful for, it is that he had
taught me how to love a perfectly imperfect person. Him. Although there are
times I would feel disappointed about him not bringing me home after dating for
years, just because he was afraid drama would happen. It is especially tougher
when in an interracial relationship and conversion and family may be one issue,
the affection and faith for each other is another. But what is life without
risk? What is love without pain? The disappointment had not lessen though, each
time it just gets deeper. The feelings just get stronger when I want it to
disappear. When you finally meet someone you can picture spending the rest of
your life with, you just know. The laughter, the conversations, the sad and
angry times just make you want to be a better person for your other half. But
sadly when I think of it, it was probably all one sided. Because after
all, it takes two hands to clap.
I don't care what people would think or
say, because I'm a realist. I love wholeheartedly and I hurt,
wholeheartedly.
But sadly, I must let go, for you are the
only thing that is holding me back. Every time I see, I hurt. And
when I hurt, I can't hold back my tears and knowing it is because I love that I
have to let go. As cliche as it sounds, I kind of understand what all those
words meant. And I will, however hard it will be, go on. This I promise you.
The past years have been fond memories, the roller coaster rides, the
trouble, the fights, the love, the fun and laughter. I will keep them in a jar,
hide it somewhere deep inside so deep I may never find it again. But as people
change, this feeling will fade as time goes by. Even if I don't feel for
another person this way, I have only one life and life goes on because losing
someone beats waiting for something that is never going to happen.
