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Rachel Kristen
live, love, laugh. Just the way I like it.
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3 months is all it takes.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012, 10:00 PM
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This is going to be another emotional post so you can scroll down to read happier stuffs. 

Today I learned a new lesson, about how quickly one person can change. As some of you may know, I just ended a long term relationship and although it was mutual somehow, the person I loved has gone from being one person to another. Where are you dear friend? From a down to earth guy who is not afraid to show his feelings and be judged. He turned into someone colder, someone who drinks and smokes. Engaging into complicated relationships, non committed as he claims. What is this? I could have done the same, I could have found someone else but I didn't. Because I feel. Because I was too afraid to hurt his feelings. Because I knew deep down, we both cared. Our friends and loved ones too because the disappointment doesn't stop between two parties, it goes beyond that; his mother, my parents, ourselves, our friends, and people who care. 

I had only eyes for him and I had hoped he felt the same way. He would tell me I was beautiful even when I look crappy just out of bed in the wee hours. And I could feel it was genuine. Or maybe it was just us blinded by our feelings because fast forward three months he could easily use the same words starting all over with someone new. Someone, beautiful.

When I broke up with a guy I dated for 6 months, who is still currently our mutual friend, I thought it was childish that he had erased me and cut me off. I felt that it wasn't necessary at that point of time. But today I feel exactly how he felt. I know now, that it must have been tough for him because everything he sees, he reads, he digests about me, had affected his feelings. That he couldn't function and that my little words, meaningless or not meant everything to him. His fragile heart. But eventually, I saw the point in cutting me off because it was the only way to help him cope with the hurt. It is especially true when people say ignorance is bliss. Sometimes it is better not to know then knowing and getting hurt, just knowing. The heart may not be our largest organ but it is strong, something small and tiny could hurt this bad, and sad to say, nothing can numb this pain. I thought I could handle the words that are to come, but sadly as strong as this Leo might be, when it hits, it hits.

It is going to be a big step because as regretful as I would feel, I think it is something I must do, to move on. To throw aside this feeling I feel, because I still care. I do, very much. My friends asked, how come I could overcome a 5 years relationship (previously) with so much ease, while this time around it seems harder. Someone who has been in love and has met their soul mate and best friend would understand how I feel. If it is one thing I should be thankful for, it is that he had taught me how to love a perfectly imperfect person. Him. Although there are times I would feel disappointed about him not bringing me home after dating for years, just because he was afraid drama would happen. It is especially tougher when in an interracial relationship and conversion and family may be one issue, the affection and faith for each other is another. But what is life without risk? What is love without pain? The disappointment had not lessen though, each time it just gets deeper. The feelings just get stronger when I want it to disappear. When you finally meet someone you can picture spending the rest of your life with, you just know. The laughter, the conversations, the sad and angry times just make you want to be a better person for your other half. But sadly when I think of it, it was probably all one sided. Because after all, it takes two hands to clap.

I don't care what people would think or say, because I'm a realist. I love wholeheartedly and I hurt, wholeheartedly. 

But sadly, I must let go, for you are the only thing that is holding me back. Every time I see, I hurt. And when I hurt, I can't hold back my tears and knowing it is because I love that I have to let go. As cliche as it sounds, I kind of understand what all those words meant. And I will, however hard it will be, go on. This I promise you. The past years have been fond memories, the roller coaster rides, the trouble, the fights, the love, the fun and laughter. I will keep them in a jar, hide it somewhere deep inside so deep I may never find it again. But as people change, this feeling will fade as time goes by. Even if I don't feel for another person this way, I have only one life and life goes on because losing someone beats waiting for something that is never going to happen. 





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